Ring! Ring!

Well finally today I got around to picking out a new mobile phone after the slight issues with the last one! In the end I decided to go back to Sony Ericsson and have opted for the W580i which suits all my needs and was a good price. I figured I didn’t need to pay double the price for the W910i and since I don’t have a mobile contract and only opt for PAYG this one will suit me fine! Honestly the amount of times I use a phone I really didn’t need a new one but I can’t resist updating things and having something new to play around with. Truthfully I wanted to change my phone network and couldn’t be bothered attempting to unlock my other one!

I went into town this morning only to be lured into the HMV sale where I bagged a real bargain in the form of Halloween DVD Special Edition! Anyone who knows me will know I love the Halloween movies and this DVD has so many extra’s from the first three films it’s a must have for a fan. I also ended up buying the Hostel I & II Boxset and Control, all films I had seen before but ones I enjoyed and the DVD’s wouldn’t be a waste.

I also managed to do the shoe shopping and bought two new pairs in the sales, so it wasn’t all bad! I hate shoe shopping as much as I hate clothes shopping!

Now all I need to do is purchased a memory card for the new phone since the one from the Nokia won’t fit! Still they are cheap enough to buy online! Now I have sorted out the phone shoes and clothes I am going on economy drive, time to start saving again! Next major splurge Christmas or possibly some holiday planning.

My plans for the next hour is to take Alfie for a walk to the park, give him some exercise and me in the process whilst it’s not raining! I have a visitor coming this afternoon which I am looking forward to since I’ve not seen her for a few weeks. Although J doesn’t stay long when she comes I appreciate her visits as she offers sound advice and a listening ear…

I also got the confirmation letter in the post about the therapy group I’ve been accepted on. I am still looking forward to getting involved in that as I feel it will help me to understand a lot about myself!

At some point tomorrow I will go and see Mamma Mia, I wanted to avoid the weekend rush!

Billy

I spent yesterday sorting out my wardrobe and parting with clothes I have not worn in ages in order to make room for all the new clothes I have bought which have now arrived! Lots of nice new items but what are you betting that I still end up wearing the old comfy stuff I love so much. I am not one for fashion or clothes shopping, in fact I find it very boring and would rather watch paint dry! Shopping online at Evans was so much easier than browsing the shops and I will stick to that in future! I am just after some new shoes now and may head into town later in the week to see what I can find! I suppose I am not keen on clothes shopping being bigger, it’s not exactly fun finding things to fit, although even going back to my teens and being smaller I can’t ever remember being a shopping for clothes fan!

The rest of yesterday and today was spent sorting through books and DVD’s in order to send some off to the charity shop. I am in desperate need for this in beech to replace the one I have now that is smaller. I may have to take a trip to Ikea next month to buy one and hope I can get it into the car. I love the Billy Bookcases, they are so strong, the one I have now must be about 7 years old and is still like new but I need more storage space and so a bigger one is in order and then the smaller one can be moved into the bedroom! I thought about getting it delivered but they want £35 for a delivery which I feel is way to expensive!

Lyrics of the day…

Billy

Billy och jag hade pluggat ihop
Han knega på Domus och jag gick och stämpla
Hösten börja komma, och känslan med
att komma bort ifrån hela skiten
Så Billy ringde mej tidigt en morgon
och fråga om jag skulle hänga med
Jag fråga: Vart? och han svara: Bort!
Vi drog till Domus och had fick ut sin lön
Jag ringde min mamma och sa: Jag sticker nu!
och vi hängde på förstå tåget som stod inne på stationen
Två enkla biljetter till Malmö Central och Billy sa:
Du fattar vad det handlar om
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om!

Färjan över sundet till Köpenhamn
och vi leta efter täcke för natten
Och vi träffa ett gäng med bågar och brass
och Billy börja snacka och jag var rädd som fan
att gänget ville ha oss med nå’nstans
Billy tände på och jag satt bredvid
och han älta sin skit om och om och om igen Hans sa:
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om!

Morgonen kom och cyklarna rulla
Amsterdam var nästa mål
Billy hängde på, han ville ha mej med
men jag tveka och sa till slut: Hey då
Billy blev förbannad och dom stack iväg
och jag, jag stack åt motsatt håll
Och jag koja vid stationen i några dar
sen färjan österut i toner av moll Jag fråga mej:
Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Fattar du vad det handlar om?

Månaderna gick och våren kom
och Billy var lika borta som snön
men en dag i juni 77 kom ett vykort postat i Köln
Och Billy hade skrivit söndrigt som fan
Han hade precis börjat prova heroin
Och han skrev att hans liv var en väska
man sparkar på, kastar iväg och slänger hit och dit
och man öppnar den och fyller
med pulver och skit åååh Billy,
vad fan har hänt? Och han skrev:
Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Han skrev: Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Han skrev: Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Åh min Billy fattar du vad det handlar om?

Words & Music Per Gessle © 1978

Blast From The Past Part II

This is freaky, another blast from the past on Facebook this evening. Only this one is very welcome! It’s an old school friend from my time at secondary school! Part of my in crowd back then! This is the reason I like Facebook…

As for the post earlier this morning, I have replied back to the person who contacted me. She left me an email address in her message, at first it bounced back as being an invalid email but I changed the hyphen to an underscore and as of yet it’s not been returned. I certainly enjoyed seeing the photos, as I said earlier I’d been thinking of this person for a while anyway and they where even mentioned in a blog post here just over two months ago. It was nice to see how she has changed over the years and some other members of the family as well. Her Facebook profile is public so I could view the photos without adding them as a friend. Actually from what I can gather the person in question disappeared off Facebook for a while last year and just re-appeared this week, ironically on my birthday and these photos I suspect where put there for my benefit.

The person I am referring to in question is in fact my cousin who is the same age as me. She sent me a message through her sister’s profile that is obviously also another cousin of mine but is younger at 19. So the photos in question are of her and her sister. The cousin my age has not changed one bit from how I remembered her, my other cousin has obviously changed a lot since she was just a little girl when I last saw her but looks a lot like her mother. The other missing person I’ve seen in the photos is my cousin’s son who will be 16 this month and who I have not seen since he was about 3 years old.

So if you work that out, it’s been about 13 years since I last saw or spoke to this person… Let’s say family arguments can be cruel and unnecessary and even to this day I will never understand who was to blame for what happened but the memories of those days will always stay with me. 

Like I said, sometimes I think the past is better in the past and whilst I won’t rule the odd communication if that is what they want I am not going to attempt to play happy families, I am dealing with far to many other issues right now. I wonder what made them get in touch? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my cousins mother has been in touch with my mum recently (obviously they are sisters) and maybe they where as curious as I was as to how each other was doing!

Who knows…

Blast From The Past Part I

So you get two posts in one day again and it’s not even 9am!

I woke up this morning to find a message on Facebook, someone has got in touch who I miss dearly in my life and someone who I have had not contact with for over 12 years. This person was someone I really loved having in my life and I hold a lot of fond memories of her / them.

I’ve spent the past 30 minutes in tears since there profile is viewable by the public and there are photos on there, photos I never thought I would see again. Photos of them and photos of other people who I never dreamt I would see what they looked liked all these years later.

This is a person who I have been thinking about a lot recently because they are involved in my past and I am in shock that they got in touch with me, actually wishing me a belated Happy Birthday.

Part of me desperately wants to talk to her and have her in my life, but I also have some serious trust issues and I feel scared…

New Horizons

So the take is I am about to commit myself to a whole year of therapy. I still stand in the place I was two weeks ago and that is I really want to give this go and hope it will benefit me in a number of ways!

Now I’d start next week but as I pre warned them at the initial introduction meeting I already had something planned and they where okay with that. It’s now my intention to keep Thursdays always free so nothing can block my attendance for this.

It must be over two years maybe going on three since I last saw a Psychologist through work and whilst he was nice, two sessions in I quit when certain things discussed hit a raw nerve and I wasn’t ready to delve into my past. I’m ready now, more than anything to bring things out into the open and start (I hope) to move on with my life and create a better me.

So I have my problems, my mood swings are as erratic as hell. One minute I am on top of the world and nothing is too much trouble, thoughts, plans and endless ideas are running through my head all the time and my energy levels are through the roof. Then just like flicking a switch, I plummet into the depths of despair and feel there is nothing to live for. For me this happens so often I am unable to keep up which is why I often refer to feeling like I live my life on a rollercoaster! The happy moments are great, the depressions kills me each and every time it happens and of late it’s frequently happening several times a week, often daily. I don’t ever remember it being any different if I am being truthful.

Everyone has mood swings, you’d not been normal if you didn’t - but try dealing with your moods rapidly changing often hourly sometimes faster, it drives you to the brink of destruction.

Take away the mood swings which I am hoping will see some improvement with a much needed medication change at the end of the month and you’re left with someone who gets paranoid, hears voices, suffers insomnia at certain times, has serious issues with food, anger often directed at certain people and a crazy love / hate challenging relationship with people around me.

I can work on that, I know I can and that’s what I hope joining this weekly therapy group is going to be all about, I can’t expect miracles it’s going to take time but little steps suit me for now.

In return for there help and support I am able to offer back to the group, good listening skills and I am organised so am willing in time to do some things in the group that may need doing.

As I said to the group this morning I am often suicidal, I am scared to reach out for help when I am from the crisis team. I am equally scared of getting suicide wrong and a bunch of people peering over me in A&E asking me why I did it!

Deep down though I also know that I have something to live for, I’ve just not found it yet…