For me Blogging is my therapeutic outlet. Writing about mental illness helps to educate people and breakdowns the social stigma about mental illness and often misinformed views that people have about the kind of people who are affected by disabilities and mental health.

I thought about putting this piece of writing together for a few days and this morning when I was travelling to college on the bus I was reading an issue of the One in Four magazine. A magazine about mental health issues which I picked up free from MIND last week when I stopped by for some Christmas cards. The first article inside was entitled New Beginnings and it’s about how people with mental health problems attempt to make changes in their lives and aspire to live out their dreams and hopes and asks is it possible with mental health problems. Of course I found the article very motivating especially given my current circumstances of being in college and hoping to attend university next year to start my training as a Mental Health Nurse. Another article in this issue was about going to university with mental health problems, felt like this edition was written for me!

The past few days have not been so nice for me, and I have seriously debated quitting college and turning my back and all the hard work I’ve put into the past few months all because of what happened last week and the knock on effect it’s had on me. However reading that article and listening to and reading the encouraging support of my friends have been most touching as usual and I realised that it’s you guys and others out there who I have to thank for pushing me to continue to fight.

So what if I’ve self harmed again, I almost reached my six months, today would have been six months – I didn’t quite make the target did I? But hey the countdown can begin again. Some people turn to smoking when they are stressed others like me self harm, I screwed up but it’s a blip I tell myself and one I will get over, in time. It’s also six months since my hospital stay. At times it doesn’t feel like it was so long ago. It feels like such a distant memory in the past but then I realise that six months is not so long ago and sometimes I shouldn’t try to walk before I can run, who was it that said time is a great healer.

I’ve felt the need to password protect certain blog posts, which I’ve happily done at the request of the college staff and because I respect their wishes. There are some recent posts and maybe a few more to come that are password protected still to protect my privacy. Although it won’t be long before the good old attitude I always sport comes back and that is if you don’t like what you read here at GGW, then feel free to click the little red cross at the top of the page and leave again! Your not forced to read what I write but most people come back because they are curious, hence why I get so many blog hits every day, I’m averaging around 220 hits a day at the moment.

One thing I am not going to apologise for is writing about my grades that I am getting in college, distinctions or merits – call them what you like. Whether I plaster them all over my blog or my Facebook profile or even tattoo them on me, that and this is my space to write what I wish, I do it to share with family and friends and because I am proud of my results and because this year I have achieved a lot to be getting marks like that when 7 months ago all I could think about was planning to end my life (Please feel free to read the archives for May 18th onwards!) I think I have every reason to be proud of how far I’ve come this year, I don’t see it as bragging I see it as someone who is actually rather astonished and taken aback at the marks she’s getting and maybe someone who is just a little bit proud of that fact. I don’t ask for other people in the class to come up to me and ask for my help, the people who do don’t have me connected on Facebook, don’t know I write a blog… they ask me what I get for marks in the work I submit and I tell them, am I suppose to lie? Maybe they just see me as someone who is willing to help them with there work or perhaps I just come across as a really friendly person who willing to listen and offer advice to others. Maybe I just have a natural friendly personality!

I am going continue to write openly for the whole word to read, I am not going to censor my writing because I want to use my own experiences of mental illness and having a personality disorder to break down those barriers because I know that my experiences of living with a mental illness, returning back to education and planning a future is the reason why I’ll make a fantastic MH nurse when I get to university next year.

You only have to read any of the links on the left from other mental health bloggers, many of them professionals some of them even student nurses themselves to understand I am not alone and there is a whole world of mental health bloggers out there who write like I do for similar reasons to help break down the stigma of mental illness. Some of my current favourites (in no specific order) include Into The System, Eccedentesiat, Madsadgirl, Anickdaler and perhaps the most famous of all is Seaneen who writes The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.

I won’t say the past few days have been an easy ride for me. I’ve been struggling getting over what happened last week and the knock on effects it has had on me and my mood has been difficult.

I had plans yesterday to go and meet up with J in Warrington as it’s been ages since we have caught up for a girly natter and lunch. Well actually it since the PC tour in Stockholm and of course we all know how much has happened to me since then. I had thoughts and ideas of cancelling after Wednesday but I know how much J was looking forward to seeing me again and I felt it would be good to get out for a day and so I went.

I’m glad I did in the end. It was great to catch up with J and I finished the Christmas shopping off I had to do in Warrington, we had a lovely lunch and then headed back to her’s in Runcorn for a few hours. I even managed to finally catch up with her parents who I’ve not seen in ages. Her mum is fabulous, the first words she said to me when she walked in J’s room made me smile, I can tell you! I didn’t get home till gone after 7pm and they offered to let me stay over which they always do but I declined on this occasion – they are simply too kind! It was a nice day and made me realise a thing or two about myself.

The plus points of Warrington and Runcorn was I finally managed to finish my Christmas shopping, spent a small fortune on clothes and just generally enjoyed myself with a friend I’d not seen in ages! Does anyone wish to offer to wrap up my Christmas presents?

Today me and dad went to a special church service this afternoon at one of the local churches in our area. We got the invite a few weeks ago. It was a special advent come memorial service for people who had died from the local churches in our area over the past 12 months. I have to be honest I said I would go but wasn’t particularly looking forward to it. My mood changed again today I seem to have hit a bit of a rollercoaster, the whole having to sit through a church service and hear how much we are going to miss our loved one at this time of year is something I don’t need to be reminded about, I get reminded about it every minute of every waking day and especially at Christmas when I am present shopping and the one person I want to shop for I no longer can.

In all honesty the church service was not too bad, it was actually rather nice, there were no tears from me, I struggled in parts to hold them back particularly in the sermon which ironically it felt like it was almost written for me in places. The vicar who read it was from one of the churches I’ve neven been to before and so I’ve never met him before. He started the sermon by talking about how major changes in our lives happen when we experience grief and how when he experienced grief he took a major career change and went from being a psychiatric nurse to start training to become a vicar – well I just looked at my dad and he look at me and I just smiled… what can I say to that! The more he talked the more I realised that everything that has happened this year in my life has produced changes that has put me on the path I am on now. It might sound like a crazy stupid clichés to some people, especially those who don’t know me well enough but it’s reality to me and for that reason I am going to let the past few days be a small blip in the rollercoaster of what is my life.

Christmas is going to be hard, maybe the next few months are going to be even more exceptionally hard. I miss my mother like crazy. After all its approaching her first anniversary early next year but those who follow this blog know how this time last year most of my time was spent at the hospital with her not knowing what was happening, pending surgery, cancer, dialysis, tests – I watched her waste away before my eyes with the uncertainty of what was going to happen but I always knew in my own heart that last Christmas was going to be our last, call it a sinking feeling, despite the fact she died three months later in March I just knew – just as I think she did.

I’ve wanted to write something for a while on how I have been feeling and how much I really miss her. I spontaneously burst into tears on the bus going to college or coming home when I find myself thinking of her. I still grieve I know it’s perfectly normal and that the grieving process can take up to two years but I try and pretend everything is okay. I guess what happened last week just triggered a few things in me maybe for me to be a little more honest and say that sometimes everything is not always okay and it’s okay for everything not to be perfect.

I’ve had to password protect quite a few of the last couple of months posts on the blog so it was closed off to the public for several hours earlier. Apologies if you got concerned and wondered where I’d disappeared to. There may be future posts that are password protected, the password from before remains the same. I am limiting who has access to it but if you have forgotten it or think you want access for whatever reason then please drop me an email or leave a comment.

I’ve debated on and off for a long time about letting ‘Genius Gone Wrong’ go private permanently for a long time but I really do not wish to shut off my thoughts from public view since I know on many occasions things I have written about have helped complete strangers who have emailed me or left comments, often being able to relate to what I’ve been through and if things I write about can help just one person then my blog and my writing serves a purpose just as many other mental health bloggers out there have helped me when they have shared their thoughts and experiences with others.

Not only do I write for therapeutic reasons to share my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences. I write because I have made many good friends through the world of the blogosphere and without some of you I wouldn’t be here now. I have had a great sense of support and encouragement from so many of you especially over the past few months when things were so bleak for me and life seem pretty impossible – well we all know where I was heading back then. I’ve managed to turn things around and I’ve changed so much in what feels like such a small space of time. Although maybe looking on it now things have moved on a little too fast and perhaps that’s not such a good thing, mentally most days I am fine others I am not so good, little things trigger things off but I distract myself the best I can and college has been a good thing these past few months it’s really given me something to focus on.

It feels really good to share the exciting things that are happening now with those of you who have supported me and kept me going when things looked so depressing six months ago. I keep myself together somehow but in reality all is not always as perfect as it seems, I am still very good at pretending all is fine! I work extra hard now to stop the depression creeping back I have to, it’s the only way I keep myself functioning. Sharing the good things with my friends is divine, but if there is one person I would love to share with what’s happening now in college life and that is of course my mum and sadly she’s not around… I just wish I could tell her how I was doing in college but I can’t, losing someone you love doesn’t get easier it gets harder and coming up to Christmas I am missing her so much.

I apologise for any offence certain posts may have caused to people reading recently, it was not my intention.