I just can’t get enough. I headed back to see Mamma Mia today, this time taking a reluctant mum along who was determined she wouldn’t really like it and that it was not her kind of thing… Never again, she couldn’t stop laughing! The more she laughed the more I laughed! I swear I’ve never seen a film that just has me in stitches so much! It was more hilarious the second time around! The more I see it and the more I listen to the soundtrack the more I want! I think I am going to need a third helping, possibly a fourth! It’s too long to wait for a DVD release!

Don’t tell anyone but the soundtrack is excellent to dance some excess energy off! I am off now to track down some other films with Meryl Streep in because she is such an amazing actress for 59! I have some films with her in but they could not have got a better person to play Donna in Mamma Mia, she just has so much get up and go in it!

Yesterday’s I mentioned a fire that broke out somewhere near the retail park which we witnessed at our meal out. Twenty four hours later it’s still burning and despite me living eight miles away from its location the whole area smells strongly of wood burning. It’s such a strong disgusting smell and despite the windows being shut the house smells awful because of it. The fire broke out at a recycling plant in the town where wood is recycled. There are currently over 40 fire fighters there trying to control the blaze and they don’t think it will be out tonight. Over 300 homes have lost there water supply because of all the pressure being used to fight the fire. I don’t think I have ever recalled a fire being this big in the town!

Currently Listening To: Mamma Mia - Soundtrack

Today was mum’s birthday and so we went out for lunch to her favourite restaurant. We spent most of the time watching from the window a massive fire at the back of the retail park, as of yet I don’t know what went up in flames but it was burning for over two hours during our meal and was still burning an hour after we left. The height of the flames where massive, I’ve never witnessed anything like it before!

Mum loved her presents from both me and dad. Dad has surprised her with tickets to see Cliff Richard in November, its been 16 years since she last saw Cliff in concert! I say dad surprised her it was in fact my idea and I ordered them at the weekend since he had no idea what to get her, but officially they are from dad! I have to admit even though I was only 15 back them I actually loved seeing Cliff in concert!

Mum had a comical cake, she loves watching In the Night Garden, actually so do I but don’t tell anyone! Lol

I got home to a nice surprise in the post as well as a not so nice one. The bad news was the results of my diabetic eye screening as it shows evidence of early diabetic retinopathy but at present nothing needs to be done, I just have to have the test repeated every six months rather than the standard twelve. I am not worried but will have a little read up on it later. I find it strange to show signs of that now when my diabetes is controlled, my blood pressure is perfect and my cholesterol couldn’t be better… Oh well you can’t win them all!

Finally I popped into HMV and bought this! well worth the money, hopefully I shall make it back to the cinema tomorrow to see the film again. I have finally persuaded mum to come, I threatened to sell her Cliff tickets if she didn’t!

My morning started early with a trip to pathology (yes again!) this time for my blood test for my diabetes review in a couple of weeks time. I hoped by getting there early I would avoid a wait and since dad was going for his own blood test I tagged along for a lift as it would save me a bus ride on Friday. I was wrong. I did wait the queue was almost out of the door but thankfully I was out for 9.10am and able to make my next appointment!

Over to my visit with my CPN, it’s been six weeks since I last saw her during which time I was in an emotional state and struggling with my mood and feelings of wanting to die. Today I was in a good mood, the same mood I have been in for about the past eight days give or take a few hiccups and so I am guessing it was obvious to her at today’s appointment about how I was feeling. I initially woke up telling myself I didn’t need to go today since I felt fine but also decided that in the light of things it was best to attend if only to discuss the therapy group I am about to join next week.

I arrived just in time and after a small time waiting in the dire looking 1970’s waiting room I was called in, first off she apologised for having a cold and then came the “How are you doing?” - Why do I hate that question so much!!!!

We ended up discussing me getting accepted into the therapy group and starting next week and what she thought I would gain from it. She asked me how I had been over the past six weeks and I talked about some future plans I was making. She was surprised over my plans and queried why now did I want to do something and what was it that had changed. Without revealing my thoughts and plans to you all I explained to her that every year I go through the same feelings and do nothing about it and this year I decided it was time to act upon it and prove something if only to myself rather than others. I felt it was time to put myself first and sod everyone else.

I then discussed my trip to Blackpool and how I sat on the pier debating whether of not to kill myself, but came home and decided life was worth living and that I’d not yet found the reason why but I was certain there was some reason I was put on this planet.

She was rather intrigued to find out more about my plans but I was reluctant to divulge into it too much since there is no guarantees I will succeed in what I want to achieve, it’s early days but I am working on it. We also talked about the dog and my spending over the past week – which has been quite crazy but which I have thoroughly enjoyed!

I must have only been in there twenty minutes, we where rapidly running out of things to talk about because I felt so good but I could have talked for the entire hour if I’d been questioned a little more. I ended up finishing the session by asking her if I could have a copy of the letter she had sent to the psychiatrist and to my GP, since I like to know what they write about me and I feel by reading what she wrote about my session with her last time it can only prepare me for the dreaded psychiatrist appointment later this month – I am not looking forward to that I can tell you. As for the copy of the letter she had to check if she’s allow to just give me a copy of if I have to put my request in writing, she’ll get back to me on that.

Sitting there opposite her today talking as though I was having a coffee with someone I had known for years. Even I realise when things are good for me. I make eye contact, I don’t fidget, I don’t panic and more importantly when I talk I do so with a real air of confidence. If only my life could be like this 24/7 there would be no need to deal with CMHS and life would be ever so sweet. It’s all so completely different from when I am low and feeling paranoid about everyone and everything.

As for a follow up appointment with my CPN, I was not given one today which partly surprised me but partly didn’t. I guess you could say I saw this coming! I got the impression that was the end of our sessions now that I have joined the therapy group and will obviously receive weekly support through them, although technically she didn’t say it was the last time she would see me. I was dreading this as I have to admit I feel I am only just beginning to open up to my CPN and I feel I do gain something out of my appointments when I see her. Maybe she’ll get in contact with me after the Psychiatrists appointment because no doubt whatever the outcome of that a report will go to her and my GP.

I am still all for the therapy but it’s not psychiatry input it’s psychology and so differs somewhat I feel. Still I guess I shall see what comes of my first appointment there next week and how I feel after that, then the following week I have my psychiatrist’s appointment, the sooner that is over the better. For me there is something too clinical and off putting about talking to a psychiatrist.

Laughter therapy comes in the form of Mamma Mia, if you have not seen it go because I’ve never laughed or smiled as much through a film in a long time! I enjoyed it so much so I intend to go and see it again next week and I have my eye on the soundtrack CD! Comedy and laughs are plenty in this and I will be first in line for the DVD if only to see any extra’s on it because I can bet the actors and actresses in that film had plenty of laughs making it! Roll on the DVD release!

I Have A Dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream - I have a dream

Written by Benny Andersson & Björn Ulvaeus ©1979

With the family member getting in touch last week it’s kind of stirred up a whole bunch of strange feelings for me as well as happy and unhappy memories of the past. I got a reply to my email I sent last week. It would seem they are all doing well. I have no reason to doubt them. My cousin my age is currently looking at university courses now her son has taken his GCSE’s and my other cousin is in her first year of doing a law degree.

She wants to keep in touch via email, maybe meet up for a coffee or something… for now I’ll communicate via email, I am not too keen on meeting up its far too soon for me to consider that at the moment. Besides with starting the therapy soon and some other things I am dealing with I don’t really have the time to delve into it.

In less than a week I’ve got from having no family to talk to, to getting back in touch with a cousin I grew up with from this town and I am also emailing and communicating with another cousin in Liverpool, the one who cared for my Nanna in her final days, the one who graduates with her PHD next week. I get the impression she’s a tad lonely and really missing my Nanna who played a big part in my life. I am happy to remain in contact with her and don’t mind exchanging the odd email!

I suddenly feel overwhelmed by family…

I also feel extremely depressed since everyone has done something or made something out of there life and here is me stuck in the same rut, still desperately awaiting a reply to something I posted off almost three weeks ago that could change my life but almost giving up any hope of anything happening.

Still I will take myself off to see Mamma Mia today, it might just cheer me up!

Well finally today I got around to picking out a new mobile phone after the slight issues with the last one! In the end I decided to go back to Sony Ericsson and have opted for the W580i which suits all my needs and was a good price. I figured I didn’t need to pay double the price for the W910i and since I don’t have a mobile contract and only opt for PAYG this one will suit me fine! Honestly the amount of times I use a phone I really didn’t need a new one but I can’t resist updating things and having something new to play around with. Truthfully I wanted to change my phone network and couldn’t be bothered attempting to unlock my other one!

I went into town this morning only to be lured into the HMV sale where I bagged a real bargain in the form of Halloween DVD Special Edition! Anyone who knows me will know I love the Halloween movies and this DVD has so many extra’s from the first three films it’s a must have for a fan. I also ended up buying the Hostel I & II Boxset and Control, all films I had seen before but ones I enjoyed and the DVD’s wouldn’t be a waste.

I also managed to do the shoe shopping and bought two new pairs in the sales, so it wasn’t all bad! I hate shoe shopping as much as I hate clothes shopping!

Now all I need to do is purchased a memory card for the new phone since the one from the Nokia won’t fit! Still they are cheap enough to buy online! Now I have sorted out the phone shoes and clothes I am going on economy drive, time to start saving again! Next major splurge Christmas or possibly some holiday planning.

My plans for the next hour is to take Alfie for a walk to the park, give him some exercise and me in the process whilst it’s not raining! I have a visitor coming this afternoon which I am looking forward to since I’ve not seen her for a few weeks. Although J doesn’t stay long when she comes I appreciate her visits as she offers sound advice and a listening ear…

I also got the confirmation letter in the post about the therapy group I’ve been accepted on. I am still looking forward to getting involved in that as I feel it will help me to understand a lot about myself!

At some point tomorrow I will go and see Mamma Mia, I wanted to avoid the weekend rush!

I spent yesterday sorting out my wardrobe and parting with clothes I have not worn in ages in order to make room for all the new clothes I have bought which have now arrived! Lots of nice new items but what are you betting that I still end up wearing the old comfy stuff I love so much. I am not one for fashion or clothes shopping, in fact I find it very boring and would rather watch paint dry! Shopping online at Evans was so much easier than browsing the shops and I will stick to that in future! I am just after some new shoes now and may head into town later in the week to see what I can find! I suppose I am not keen on clothes shopping being bigger, it’s not exactly fun finding things to fit, although even going back to my teens and being smaller I can’t ever remember being a shopping for clothes fan!

The rest of yesterday and today was spent sorting through books and DVD’s in order to send some off to the charity shop. I am in desperate need for this in beech to replace the one I have now that is smaller. I may have to take a trip to Ikea next month to buy one and hope I can get it into the car. I love the Billy Bookcases, they are so strong, the one I have now must be about 7 years old and is still like new but I need more storage space and so a bigger one is in order and then the smaller one can be moved into the bedroom! I thought about getting it delivered but they want £35 for a delivery which I feel is way to expensive!

Lyrics of the day…

Billy

Billy och jag hade pluggat ihop
Han knega på Domus och jag gick och stämpla
Hösten börja komma, och känslan med
att komma bort ifrån hela skiten
Så Billy ringde mej tidigt en morgon
och fråga om jag skulle hänga med
Jag fråga: Vart? och han svara: Bort!
Vi drog till Domus och had fick ut sin lön
Jag ringde min mamma och sa: Jag sticker nu!
och vi hängde på förstå tåget som stod inne på stationen
Två enkla biljetter till Malmö Central och Billy sa:
Du fattar vad det handlar om
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om!

Färjan över sundet till Köpenhamn
och vi leta efter täcke för natten
Och vi träffa ett gäng med bågar och brass
och Billy börja snacka och jag var rädd som fan
att gänget ville ha oss med nå’nstans
Billy tände på och jag satt bredvid
och han älta sin skit om och om och om igen Hans sa:
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om
Gosse, du fattar vad det handlar om!

Morgonen kom och cyklarna rulla
Amsterdam var nästa mål
Billy hängde på, han ville ha mej med
men jag tveka och sa till slut: Hey då
Billy blev förbannad och dom stack iväg
och jag, jag stack åt motsatt håll
Och jag koja vid stationen i några dar
sen färjan österut i toner av moll Jag fråga mej:
Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Fattar du vad det handlar om?

Månaderna gick och våren kom
och Billy var lika borta som snön
men en dag i juni 77 kom ett vykort postat i Köln
Och Billy hade skrivit söndrigt som fan
Han hade precis börjat prova heroin
Och han skrev att hans liv var en väska
man sparkar på, kastar iväg och slänger hit och dit
och man öppnar den och fyller
med pulver och skit åååh Billy,
vad fan har hänt? Och han skrev:
Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Han skrev: Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Han skrev: Gosse, fattar du vad det handlar om?
Åh min Billy fattar du vad det handlar om?

Words & Music Per Gessle © 1978

This is freaky, another blast from the past on Facebook this evening. Only this one is very welcome! It’s an old school friend from my time at secondary school! Part of my in crowd back then! This is the reason I like Facebook…

As for the post earlier this morning, I have replied back to the person who contacted me. She left me an email address in her message, at first it bounced back as being an invalid email but I changed the hyphen to an underscore and as of yet it’s not been returned. I certainly enjoyed seeing the photos, as I said earlier I’d been thinking of this person for a while anyway and they where even mentioned in a blog post here just over two months ago. It was nice to see how she has changed over the years and some other members of the family as well. Her Facebook profile is public so I could view the photos without adding them as a friend. Actually from what I can gather the person in question disappeared off Facebook for a while last year and just re-appeared this week, ironically on my birthday and these photos I suspect where put there for my benefit.

The person I am referring to in question is in fact my cousin who is the same age as me. She sent me a message through her sister’s profile that is obviously also another cousin of mine but is younger at 19. So the photos in question are of her and her sister. The cousin my age has not changed one bit from how I remembered her, my other cousin has obviously changed a lot since she was just a little girl when I last saw her but looks a lot like her mother. The other missing person I’ve seen in the photos is my cousin’s son who will be 16 this month and who I have not seen since he was about 3 years old.

So if you work that out, it’s been about 13 years since I last saw or spoke to this person… Let’s say family arguments can be cruel and unnecessary and even to this day I will never understand who was to blame for what happened but the memories of those days will always stay with me. 

Like I said, sometimes I think the past is better in the past and whilst I won’t rule the odd communication if that is what they want I am not going to attempt to play happy families, I am dealing with far to many other issues right now. I wonder what made them get in touch? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my cousins mother has been in touch with my mum recently (obviously they are sisters) and maybe they where as curious as I was as to how each other was doing!

Who knows…

So you get two posts in one day again and it’s not even 9am!

I woke up this morning to find a message on Facebook, someone has got in touch who I miss dearly in my life and someone who I have had not contact with for over 12 years. This person was someone I really loved having in my life and I hold a lot of fond memories of her / them.

I’ve spent the past 30 minutes in tears since there profile is viewable by the public and there are photos on there, photos I never thought I would see again. Photos of them and photos of other people who I never dreamt I would see what they looked liked all these years later.

This is a person who I have been thinking about a lot recently because they are involved in my past and I am in shock that they got in touch with me, actually wishing me a belated Happy Birthday.

Part of me desperately wants to talk to her and have her in my life, but I also have some serious trust issues and I feel scared…

So the take is I am about to commit myself to a whole year of therapy. I still stand in the place I was two weeks ago and that is I really want to give this go and hope it will benefit me in a number of ways!

Now I’d start next week but as I pre warned them at the initial introduction meeting I already had something planned and they where okay with that. It’s now my intention to keep Thursdays always free so nothing can block my attendance for this.

It must be over two years maybe going on three since I last saw a Psychologist through work and whilst he was nice, two sessions in I quit when certain things discussed hit a raw nerve and I wasn’t ready to delve into my past. I’m ready now, more than anything to bring things out into the open and start (I hope) to move on with my life and create a better me.

So I have my problems, my mood swings are as erratic as hell. One minute I am on top of the world and nothing is too much trouble, thoughts, plans and endless ideas are running through my head all the time and my energy levels are through the roof. Then just like flicking a switch, I plummet into the depths of despair and feel there is nothing to live for. For me this happens so often I am unable to keep up which is why I often refer to feeling like I live my life on a rollercoaster! The happy moments are great, the depressions kills me each and every time it happens and of late it’s frequently happening several times a week, often daily. I don’t ever remember it being any different if I am being truthful.

Everyone has mood swings, you’d not been normal if you didn’t - but try dealing with your moods rapidly changing often hourly sometimes faster, it drives you to the brink of destruction.

Take away the mood swings which I am hoping will see some improvement with a much needed medication change at the end of the month and you’re left with someone who gets paranoid, hears voices, suffers insomnia at certain times, has serious issues with food, anger often directed at certain people and a crazy love / hate challenging relationship with people around me.

I can work on that, I know I can and that’s what I hope joining this weekly therapy group is going to be all about, I can’t expect miracles it’s going to take time but little steps suit me for now.

In return for there help and support I am able to offer back to the group, good listening skills and I am organised so am willing in time to do some things in the group that may need doing.

As I said to the group this morning I am often suicidal, I am scared to reach out for help when I am from the crisis team. I am equally scared of getting suicide wrong and a bunch of people peering over me in A&E asking me why I did it!

Deep down though I also know that I have something to live for, I’ve just not found it yet…