Functioning Normally Sometimes

I caught up with Dr G yesterday. It seemed like ages since my last appointment at The Priory with her but I guess that’s because 6 weeks had actually passed and it was the longest I had gone between appointments with her. It went well and we had a good chat about lots of things and I was straightforward about my drinking last week and we both had quite a laugh about it because I blamed her as she told me to get a social life at my last appointment and not to spend all my time studying! She said as long as I was drinking good wine she approved, but perhaps not three bottles all at once. It’s really like not talking to a Psychiatrist when I’m with her now, maybe it’s because I’ve built up that trust with her and I am just able to talk to her about anything. I just couldn’t do that with the NHS Psychiatrist’s because you never knew who you were seeing and when you did there was no rapport with them because they didn’t know you, no empathy or understanding of each other, I get that from Dr G. Okay so I might have to pay to get it but since first going to see her in March it’s made an enormous difference to my life and as she said today, I have life in me now whereas compared to the first few months she saw me I would sit there in her room and not function or say anything and my eyes where glazed over, I can remember those days, it just it scares me sometimes to think what I was like back in March this year and how far I have come since then.

I admitted to her I think my life would still be the same now if I hadn’t done something in order to get myself the life I am working towards now. We talked about the medication regime and I realise how without it I probably wouldn’t function half as well as I do now. If I didn’t have the stability of Monday to Friday and routine of college to contend with I would still be a the depressed fat girl whose borderline personality disorder would occasionally tip her over the edge into ideas of suicidality and random thoughts of shall I mix my drinks with a bottle of paracetamol just for the fun of it tonight! I’m not that girl now, the time in therapy has helped me deal with the past, I’ve talked and I’ve moved on and being able to finally developed a life for myself and study again is just like breathing a whole new life of fresh air, it feels amazing. I’m not saying it wipes depression away instantly because it doesn’t, but it just gives me something to focus on and something to work towards a plan for the future instead of a plan to end my life, like the one I had for May!

There is no change to the meds since everything is working as it should and since I am stable I am not seeing her till almost the end of January, that’s 10 weeks away, yikes! Still I know if things nose dive especially over the Christmas period I can pick up the phone and make an appointment if necessary and as she said I can call her if I need to. She’s had the report from H the Psychotherapist I saw up at the hospital which now of course gives her an insight into things a little more detailed of my past. I hope to discuss this a little more with Dr G in the future appointments we’ll have. She asked about how I felt now about L1 and had I given anymore thought to Huddersfield and the university choices…

I explained how the open day went at Huddersfield and how I really fell for the university, the course felt perfect for me in every way and the town was just the ideal place for me. I then laughed and said I don’t care about L1 when it comes to university choices I have to choose what is right for my needs and she’ll just have to get over it if I go to Huddersfield university, she’s a professional, I’ll be a professional as a student nurse if I can accept it and I’m the one making the move then I am sure she can… to be honest I’m past caring almost on all that now I think I have moved on. I’ll always care for L1 in some way because no matter what it relates to in my past and it does in a big way as she did without a doubt have a big impact on me getting well again in the support she and the other staff members did in group therapy. I can’t help the fact that my university choice is the town where she is now working… besides if you’ll recall I mentioned right from the beginning that I came to find out about Huddersfield as it was recommend by a friend who was originally going nursing there a few years back and backed out at the last minute – the last minute being the day before the course started! Well said friend who is in fact the warden of my accommodation I live in is considering re-applying again for entry next year, she really always regrets her decision and I think she’s seen me go for it and I think she wants to go for it again, in today’s news this has made this headlines although I’ve known about it for weeks I mentioned it to her today as she didn’t know about it and I think now she does it may just push her to apply again! Technically next year those who want to do Diploma entry at university will be the last batch of nurses to do so, as all the universities are taking in the last batch in September / October 2010.

I’m still under the weather and the chest infection is still plaguing me plus this flu has left me really drained. On the up side the super antibiotics have started to work finally on the dental abscess, so one out of three has seen improvement. A visit to the practice nurse today for my 2nd Hepatitis B vaccination I was not 100% sure she would do it with me being sick but she did and the 3rd one is done in another five months. We’ve delayed the MMR till after Christmas because it’s a live vaccine and it can cause side effects, since I’m already sick we don’t want to add a measles rash to the list do we and we are in no hurry to get these done after all it’s just preparation for university. I am hoping I am well enough to be back at college on Monday morning. I’ve hated being off this week, I’ve missed Sociology on Tuesday and Biology on Wednesday plus most of Psychology class on Monday morning and whilst I know I can catch up I don’t want to fall behind and I hate missing lessons! I was hoping to go in tomorrow to see the tutors to see what I had missed but in all honest I am just not feeling up to travelling into Manchester, I just walked around ASDA for a few groceries this afternoon and it took the wind out of me, that’s what I hate about getting a chest infection they really knock you for six.