What Is The Point
In case people are wondering I did make it to Thursday’s therapy session but for most of the day I really wished I hadn’t bothered going. It was nothing to do with the group or members it was just me and the weird screwed mood I was in. I felt angry for most of the day but I did speak out on certain things including making a point on how I thought the planned day trip in two weeks time was totally pointless. I think as others did we already guessed what would happen and it doesn’t look like the day trip will go ahead again down to the crap planning, talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I see things so simple and so straight forward but within the group and especially with the staff everything seems to have to be debated to such a point it becomes really pathetic, it’s like they want to wind you up! As an example yesterday there where three regular group members me included and one regular didn’t show and phoned someone to advise they where sick. It was no secret that they where going to ask last week for this Thursday off due to circumstances but because I possibly needed the day off and another member was on holiday they decided against asking.
It was lucky I decided to go because if I hadn’t then the group would have been cancelled. Now normally when someone does not turn up for whatever reason we give them a call in the morning break just to check they are okay, yesterday it took almost 15 minutes to debate whether we should call this person or not – sorry but I see little point in wasting time discussing this and all the other members thought the same but it was like the staff wouldn’t let up, when we thought we’d reached a decision one of them pipes up “Have we made a decision about this and I’m not happy with that” when WE are trying to move on to other issues on the agenda.
We’re religiously pumped about how important is it to keep to times for the business meeting agenda and we attempt to run things to an order, i.e. if it’s time to move on we do, however when it’s the staff who are not happy they TELL US to continue discussing it, yet at the same time they also often point out the time and are clock watching our time keeping all the time. It’s just one rule for them one for us and they seem to constantly bend them to suit there own needs and requirement.
I guess a lot of that doesn’t make sense to people who don’t really know how a Therapeutic Community works and at the moment my brain is not functioning to well to word it any different, sorry. I have to admit the issues about timekeeping did come up in the afternoon session and it turned into a rather heated debate, I kept my gob shut because I knew if I spoke I would find myself getting angry.
The day was fine, I just didn’t want to physical be there, I was tempted to go home at lunch time and make an excuse the builders where coming!
I keep debating in my head whether I really wish to continue with the group. I like being part of it and I’ve made new friends but I am not really sure if and or how I am actually going to benefit from being there, I feel everything I say is stupid and rather pointless. I guess I will discuss it further with the psychiatrist at the hospital when I have my appointment.
The new member who joined us yesterday is very nice, I find I have a lot in common with them even more ironic is we share the same psychiatrist! Considering they where new they certainly spoke out about some issues and got involved which was very welcome from everyone.
Finally the builders returned today and have been continuing with the bathroom adaptions. They have been here for around 7 hours today and the work is coming along nicely. They will be back on Monday for another day’s work.
I managed to nip out this morning to get my flu jab done at the surgery. I phoned to make an appointment and they offered me one this morning so I took it. I intend to make an appointment with my GP for Monday morning – if I can get one, to discuss increasing the Sertraline to 150mg because I am certain it’s not working at the current dose, I did attempt to make an appointment this morning for Monday but all the advanced appointments had gone. I don’t know why my mood is just on a constant rollercoaster but I am feeling more pissed off and depressed than I have in a while, I really thought the Sertraline was working but it seems to be having little effect.
Groups in general tend to drive me nuts for the same reasons. I end up just wanting to scream “Oh make a decision, any decision, just get it over with!” Mostly I just stay away from groups. I’ve never had a type of group therapy where the group had to make decisions though. Sounds different, but might be therapeutic in the end. One can hope
I have no experience whatsoever of therapeutic communities, so I won’t even pretend to be able to understand, but I will say that I think not wanting to go is an important part of any kind of therapy. Getting to and recognising that point, assessing the reasons you don’t want to go, and addressing those thoughts and feelings, is a part of the whole process of therapy. Then again, maybe that doesn’t work so well if the reason you don’t want to go is simply that it’s frustrating!
Hope you figure it out. And I hope you get your sertraline dose sorted… sertraline worked really well for me for over a year at a fairly low dose, and then just suddenly stopped having any effect, and from then on didn’t do much even at high doses. Neurochemical oddities, I suppose.
Increasing your medication may be just the thing, but I also think it’s normal to have fluctuations in mood, so perhaps give it a couple of days?
A friend of mine was on Seroxat for years, and when she finally came off, she had lost track of what was “normal” in terms of emotions, and would constantly be calling me up asking me if it was “right” that she should feel angry, or sad, or upset in whatever circumstances she was in. For example, she’d tell me that she’d just been given a huge ticking off by her boss for a mistake she’d made, or had a row with her boyfriend, and felt upset, and was that the usual way people would feel or just because she didn’t have her pills – er, yes, completely usual!
Yesterday I spent the morning feeling intensely irritated for no particular reason, today I feel fine – I’m not on any medication, but I do recognise that I go up and down, and that’s okay. In fact, my gripe with anti-depressants is that they dampen down feelings altogether – surely that’s not a natural thing?
(I know, I know, they do a brilliant job, and I’m not knocking them for the people they help, just my opinion.)
Sorry to hear you are thinking of chucking the Therapy sessions, I was beginning to think they were working for you.
Maybe another week with the new starter might do you good.
Can’t wait to see the bathroom when it’s finished, hope Alfie hasn’t got himself too settled on that beautiful sofa..xx
Sorry to hear you are still having mood swings, It really seemed the current meds were working for you. Maybe just an increase will work again. Take care, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx