Thanks

First of all this is my third attempt at writing something today, but each time I started to type I couldn’t string together anything that made sense, so I thought I would finally try again.

Secondly thank you to each and everyone who posted comments and emailed me in regards to the post yesterday, even though many of you are cyber friends I appreciated your support and it makes life worth fighting for. I know the post yesterday was perhaps a little upsetting for some of you but it truly was how I was feeling.

Thirdly I am feeling somewhat more human today after getting a good six hours sleep. I have ventured out this morning to Tesco with mum who was looking for something to wear for the funeral - which will be on Friday. I think the combination of sun and fresh air perhaps lifted my mood a little more and I came home to take Alfie out to the park, we’ve not been there for a couple of weeks so today we walked down and I enjoyed it and I am almost certain Alfie did as well.

As for Alfie, I guess my mind is playing tricks with me today, I’ve sat and told myself dozens of times rehoming him is for the best for both me and him but at the same time I have caught myself giving him extra cuddles and belly rubs and thinking “Is it just possible I can get better and keep my baby till he’s a ripe old age,” I do love him but like me I don’t like to see him suffer at the hands of other people and I feel it’s unfair for him to be terrified of being in his own house and having to listen to kids with football on the side of the living room, it’s loud to me, it must be even louder to him. Trust me if I’d had any inclination of kids and footballs in the area, I wouldn’t have moved here but I guess you cannot judge everything in just two views of a property. I also am unable to control everything in life…

It seems it’s not going to be easy to rehome him if I decide to, I tried a forum to gain some advice but I’ve had little response from anyone. I have to be certain if I do this he goes to someone with experience of the breed and who will help him settle since I know he will miss me - I won’t however make any rash decisions on it and so we will see how things pan out. After all there is no real rush in anything is there?

A lot of you said I needed to get away, your right I do. I’d do anything to get away for a couple of weeks to have some time to myself to think and put a lot of things into prospective, but it’s rather difficult to get away and be alone when there is no one who can look after Alfie for me, it seems foster care in my part of the country doesn’t exist! Perhaps that is why I have the urge to run away from everyone, maybe it’s my head’s way of telling me I need some space and time out, I guess we shall see how things go. In the past when I’ve been on my holidays mum and dad have taken care of Alfie in my home, it’s been relatively easy for them with where I used to live. They would simply pop in several times a day to play with him and give him lots of walks, it’s not so easy to do it with me living further away now.

Again a lot of you suggested I go to hospital and again I agree with you, with how I was feeling the past 72 hours no one knew better than me that I perhaps needed to be in hospital, again it comes down to the fact there is no one to care for Alfie for me - I think you’re getting the idea of how much I really do care for my little boy!

I debated about calling the crisis team, but I am not sure they would be much help to me but since the feelings of being on the depths of despair are passing for now then I don’t think it’s necessary at the moment. I am hoping how I feel now will continue and I won’t hit rock bottom again, I can survive like this, I can communicate with people and I am able to venture out without anyone knowing how I am feeling.

As I mentioned the funeral for my Nanna is on Friday morning, I can’t say I am looking forward to it and am perhaps only going out of a mark of respect. My mother has thrust £50 into my hands today to go and buy something to wear, she’s very good at handing out money to me but perhaps not so good at noticing when I am in desperate need of help - still I shouldn’t complain should I?

I am going to have my hair done tomorrow, something I have been meaning to do for a while and decided it needed to be done to look half decent for Friday. I have to make an effort.

As for the appointment I have with the CPN, it feels like ages off till June but I am determined to make use of that appointment and I feel one way of doing that would be to print off a couple of these blog posts to give them an idea of what has been happening and how quickly my mood changes so often. Maybe getting them to read this will be an ice breaker for me to open up and talk more…

That’s about it for now, thanks again for your support.