Tough Decision

For a number of weeks the one protective factor that I have in my life I have been thinking of giving up, I finally decided I can’t keep him anymore and so I am going to rehome my little Alfie. All weekend the poor thing has suffered because of the most ignorant bastard kids who are using my wall as a goal post. Alfie is terrified, he’s parading around the house with his tail down and barking non stop at the noise and thud thud thud of footballs. On top of this my depression is worse than ever and getting him rehomed frees up my own choices to do something I want to do.

Alfie is the little thing that has kept me alive for so long, he’s the baby who stopped me killing myself two years ago and instead of carrying on swallowing the pills I threw up and cried for days, if he’s gone then I see no reason to carry on - I simply cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I am going mad, for hours I am screaming at the kids to go away and shut the fuck up, yet I know they cannot hear me since there is a friggin brick wall there in the way, maybe screaming makes me feel better, maybe it’s my way of getting out my feelings along with the hundreds of tears I have cried this weekend.

I have two options left when Alfie has gone, I either kill myself ensuring I do it properly or I run away to be alone where no one knows me, where I can get some thinking time to myself. When I make my mind up to do something I will carry it out, I don’t believe in making threats, I’ve simply had enough of living in this misery.

It doesn’t help that on Friday morning some ignorant woman living around here decided to have a go at me, I am not sure where she lives but I think I have an idea who she is, she stopped at my gate. It was gone 9.15am and she proceeded to shout abuse at me about Alfie barking and didn’t I realise people where still in bed! I was still in a bad way after Thursday and the rough night I had that I screamed back at her “do I look like I give a shit what you think”, with that she replied she couldn’t hear me over Alfie barking and walked off.

First off Alfie doesn’t bark non stop outside in the garden because I won’t let him, he only ever barks when someone approaches the property or walks passed. Living on the end next to a ginnel means I get a lot of people walking passed. Strange but I took this all in consideration when I moved him but perhaps didn’t realise the amount of people who used it as a cut through. If the kids are out, I don’t let Alfie out because they have the habit of standing staring at him which makes him a lot worse. If he’s out and he starts barking I bring him in, he’s never outside barking non stop and he’s never left out there for more than five minutes unless he’s quiet. He needs to go somewhere or to someone who can care for him in a quieter place without any kids or distractions. I can’t keep him anymore, it’s not fair for him to live with me whilst I am ill because I am scared I will take my temper out on him and I never want to resort to that. The sooner he is rehomed the better right now.

Ironically if she is the woman I think she is, then she lives next to a woman with a dog who barks non stop often for over 30 minutes at a time.

Strange how dogs have an understanding of knowing when there owners are sick. I’ve not ventured out since Friday and Alfie has not been for a walk all weekend, I don’t want to see people and I don’t feel in a very communicating mood. I just want to be alone. I can’t remember when I last ate anything but I don’t think it was today. Alfie has curled up next to me for quiet time when he’s been allowed to, i.e when the kids are kicking a football at the wall.

Most of Thursday and Friday morning I spent throwing out things, I threw out so much stuff, personal items things I don’t want in my life anymore, some of it went to charity shop some to the tip. To me I am decluttering my life for two reason, one to die or two to run away, I know to most normal non head cases out there this is crazy, but this is me, when I die I need to ensure my parents don’t have too much to sort through, if I run then I can run away lighter not leaving any of my previous life behind. Even I know how fucked up this sounds but what am I suppose to do about it?

I’ve not felt this low in a long time, life just is not worth fighting for anymore. I see no way forward or a future I want to live. I have debated taking pills again this weekend during several outbursts of tears, I’ve stockpiled the pills in the kitchen cupboard for weeks but I have to ensure Alfie is rehomed before I do anything because he is my baby and has to take priority over anything else.

It’s a tough decision but I have to do this, it’s just not fair on Alfie to live in this environment, it’s cruel to let an animal get so stressed out and suffer. I am suffering so he must be also.