Shred It
May 8, 2008 by Alison
I have the urge to throw everything away in my life, my entire past… I’ve spent three hours shredding everything from the housing association that I had neatly put away some months ago should I ever need it in the future, my thinking was I would hang on to it all in case my parents still had problems. I don’t care if they do, it’s my past and I don’t want to hang on to it. I’ve so far filled up two black bin bags with shredded paper and have another two to perhaps fill but I’ve fucked up the shredder and no amount of poking it with pointed objects will dislodge the blocked paper, and yes it was unplugged from the mains when I was poking it with metal objects although I have to admit I was tempted to keep the fucking thing plugged in.
E came to my rescue again this evening in yet another long phone call, I sometimes don’t realise how much I need her in my life and how she really makes sense of a lot of things I think of. For weeks she’s picked up on the resentment I have and how I am holding stuff about my past, I keep having vivid flash backs of things from years ago and it’s seriously disturbing me. I can’t understand why things from my childhood are suddenly there in my mind all the time, like a video playing back over and over again, I have so much hate towards some people in my life and the more I go on the more I don’t want to fight this shit anymore.
Now I am due 14 years bad luck since I just threw the entire contents of my drawers at two mirrors that where hung on the bedroom walls. I’ve fallen out with mirrors of late I hate what I see in them, I depise myself more and more each day. Still the anger has gone now. Okay so I just destroyed quite a few expensive items in a fit of rage but the carpet smells nice, only I’ve no alarm clock now and no printer since it’s in bits on the other side of the room.
… and no I am not like this because my Nanna passed away this afternoon, I haven’t seen her in must be nearly 10 months. At least the funeral will give me a chance to get drunk, scouse wakes are an excuse for a piss up.
Currently Listening To:- Pink - Just Like A Pill
Sooner or later, everything comes back to the surface. It is probably a good thing, it will allow you to deal with it and you need not swallow it as you had to during the past years. I hope your CPN will be helping you with it. *another big hug*
*points up* I second that! It’s horrible having the bad bits of your past come back to haunt you later, but repression and avoidance of your past is a surefire way of having it come back and bite you on the arse, at least in my experience. They’re coming to the forefront of your mind for a reason - maybe so you can accept what’s happened has happened and is unchangeable, perhaps? But what do I know, I’m a dumbass.
Hi Alison,
I can’t really add anything other than what has already been said above…
I wish there was something I could do, or say, to help!
Thinking of you lots!
xx