Familes Part Two

… Yes here we go again! Apparently my dad received a phone call just after 7am this morning, direct from the hospital in Liverpool where my Nanna is. It was to tell him (again!) that she didn’t have long left and was very ill. So off he shot through the rush hour traffic to be there. In the mean time my mother got up, does what she normally does around the house when she gets up. I was up extremely early, well before 6am as I couldn’t sleep, in fact I guess I had less than 2-3 hours sleep since I still can’t get certain things out of my head.

I am really pissed off because I am beginning to think I am not part of this family, my mother was at home but didn’t think to call me to let me know where dad had gone and the fact the hospital had even called. My mother knows I am always up early so there is no excuses for not picking up the phone and letting me know. What is more annoying is as part of my normal routine I called her at around 9.15am but didn’t get an answer, now maybe she didn’t hear the phone, I don’t really know and I don’t really care but she still never phoned me, eventually when I phoned again just before 9.30am I was told about what had happened.

I’m not being funny - well maybe I am but either I am a valued member of this family that I get told these things or maybe I should just follow that dream I hold and fuck off right out of here and leave everyone else to it. I swear to god more and more each day I am feeling bogged down with doing things for other people when all I want to do is run away and hide from everyone and let them all fend for themselves.

The same happened the other week when dad took mum to A&E for the second time in the middle of the night. No one bothered to tell me or let me know, I only found out when I rung up at my normal time despite the fact they had been back from the hospital for over 4 hours!

More and more each day I am beginning to despise the people around me and I feel like I am being used, whilst I am happy to play the caring role around my mother and doing the housework that she can’t do I am beginning to feel more and more resentment for not having my own life time to myself when I want it. There are so many changes I want to make I have so many dreams I want to follow and I can’t because I keep putting other people first. I just sit and wonder why I bother when it’s becoming obvious that no one else thinks about me. Please don’t give me the “Put yourself first” because if there is one thing I know it’s that, but when your an only child and there is no family around I really have little choice but to hang around but it’s getting harder and harder each day to keep going.

Just to show how selfish my family are, my Nanna is sick, she’s in a coma. Dad called he’s been sat with her since he arrived. His oldest brother refused to come to the hospital since he’s off on his package holiday to Spain tomorrow and won’t cancel. His middle brother wants my Nanna to be put on life support to give her a chance to get well! She’s 85 years old she’s spent years in and out of hospital her organs are failing, her body is giving up and someone is talking about life support! Since my father is the oldest there then I hope he will make a sensible decision and not be influenced by other people, poor woman is ill she’s had a decent life let her go for god sake at least she’ll get reunited with her daughter who died in 1988.

… and in case you didn’t realise from that post yes my mood has changed dramatically today. Oh and one final thing I got a letter from the CMHT re my self referral back to them. The letter asked me to call to make an appointment for an assessment. I have, it’s in June, nice! From what I can gather it might be with someone else but one things for sure I am not starting at the beginning and I am not keen on talking to someone new. We’ll see anything can happen four weeks from now can’t it.