Made The Call

I finally called my CPN having put it off for sometime now. I spoke with her, she remembered me and also remembered the fact I’d sent her a postcard from Sweden last August, I was surprised I honestly thought she would not remember me since it’s been since last June when we spoke and I was discharged from her care. She was in the middle of starting a meeting so she took my number and got one of her colleagues to call me back. They did about five minutes later and we chatted on the phone for about twenty minutes.

I was more honest that I have been in a long time divulging into things that are praying on my mind and even admitting about a particular incident from many years ago that I was constantly reliving over and over in my head. I explained how I couldn’t understand why it suddenly happened and why it wouldn’t go away. It was the first time in a long time I discussed the incident with someone other than a few close friends who know about it, I mentioned how the subject was discussed with the Psychologist at work some years back but because he wanted to talk about it further I stopped going.

I also explained to her that I felt somewhat awkward calling today since I was feeling well and almost bouncing off the walls and mentioned the grotesque about of money I had spent in the past 10 days on stupid things. I said I was only eventually phoning because if I didn’t my friend threatened to call for me.

I mentioned how I felt I was constantly living in a fantasty and spent hours daydreaming and how it was not only interuppting my life it was becoming intrusive when I was with others. I even talked about my new found dependency on pain killers to get me to sleep, since using them was better than lying awake all night.

I feel better for calling, she will speak with my CPN and I should get an appointment soon with them as I self refer myself back to them. I made the step now, I just have to be honest when the appointment happens and not hold back stuff. By the end of the twenty minutes I was in tears.