Just A Word Of Warning!

Be aware before you download the new Windows Service Pack 3, I did earlier today and it crashed my PC. After rebooting it won’t reload windows and all it does is constantly try to reboot the system to no avail! I guessed it was that download that did it but you can see others where affected also here.

I had to go into safe mode on my PC and remove it and I am hoping when it reboots we are back to normal…

*back to normal, I won’t bother downloading it again till windows have fixed it!*

Oh Go On Then!

Blah, I hate shopping for clothes, did I ever mention that before, it was not a wasted journey, I bought some Linen Trousers in Black, couldn’t find a black top in my size, plenty of choice but all in my size was gone - no surprise there then. I have one which is new anyway so I might wear that although I am tempted to go into Manchester tomorrow to maybe have a mooch there, we shall see.

Okay just one quick snap of the new hair colour and cut… sorry not feeling brave enough since I threw the entire contents of my make up bag across the bedroom last week, I did buy some more today so I would look half decent on Friday but these photos will have to do you all for now…

Goodnight & Godbless

I think reality that my Nanna died hit me today reading all her obituaries in the Liverpool Echo, I know it’s a big family but I always seem to forget that. Whilst I can read them online it would be nice to have a copy of the paper, comes in handy having Jackie work in Liverpool, she’ll buy a copy for me to pick up when I see her at the weekend. I think her death hit my mum today which took me by surprise, we where in our local florist this morning choosing some flowers for the funeral to take with us on Friday when the smell from the flowers hit mum and she suddenly realised she was dead, I suppose in a way it made her remember her own mother. We opted for a big bouquet of orange and white Lilly’s since they where her favourite according to Dad.

Well I had my hair done today, I am a lighter colour now - kind of a golden blonde and it’s shorter, so much easier to manage I feel half human again! Had quite a laugh in the hairdressers reminiscing about my old school days after discovering the girl who does my hair was at the same school as me, she’s only two years younger! We had the same form tutor for the last two years, as I left she got him for her final two years… small world!

As for my mood I am in the normal range, neither depressed or overly happy and am functioning normal which pleases me somewhat. I have vowed not to buy anything excessive and to curb my crazy spending so I am allowing myself one purchase of this which is released tomorrow - although a little birdie already sent it to me earlier I cannot wait to listen as it was and still is one of my favourite albums 11 years after it was first released, only this time round it comes with lots of extras! We fans will buy anything to keep Per in his collection of cars!

So yeah I am feeling okay today, much brighter and slept well again last night although still waking early. Again I just want to thank you all for the support you have given me over the past few days, here’s hoping this mood lasts a good week or two. I have to go into town tomorrow - something I am not looking forward to as I hardly ever go in now but I have to get something to wear for Friday.

Thanks

First of all this is my third attempt at writing something today, but each time I started to type I couldn’t string together anything that made sense, so I thought I would finally try again.

Secondly thank you to each and everyone who posted comments and emailed me in regards to the post yesterday, even though many of you are cyber friends I appreciated your support and it makes life worth fighting for. I know the post yesterday was perhaps a little upsetting for some of you but it truly was how I was feeling.

Thirdly I am feeling somewhat more human today after getting a good six hours sleep. I have ventured out this morning to Tesco with mum who was looking for something to wear for the funeral - which will be on Friday. I think the combination of sun and fresh air perhaps lifted my mood a little more and I came home to take Alfie out to the park, we’ve not been there for a couple of weeks so today we walked down and I enjoyed it and I am almost certain Alfie did as well.

As for Alfie, I guess my mind is playing tricks with me today, I’ve sat and told myself dozens of times rehoming him is for the best for both me and him but at the same time I have caught myself giving him extra cuddles and belly rubs and thinking “Is it just possible I can get better and keep my baby till he’s a ripe old age,” I do love him but like me I don’t like to see him suffer at the hands of other people and I feel it’s unfair for him to be terrified of being in his own house and having to listen to kids with football on the side of the living room, it’s loud to me, it must be even louder to him. Trust me if I’d had any inclination of kids and footballs in the area, I wouldn’t have moved here but I guess you cannot judge everything in just two views of a property. I also am unable to control everything in life…

It seems it’s not going to be easy to rehome him if I decide to, I tried a forum to gain some advice but I’ve had little response from anyone. I have to be certain if I do this he goes to someone with experience of the breed and who will help him settle since I know he will miss me - I won’t however make any rash decisions on it and so we will see how things pan out. After all there is no real rush in anything is there?

A lot of you said I needed to get away, your right I do. I’d do anything to get away for a couple of weeks to have some time to myself to think and put a lot of things into prospective, but it’s rather difficult to get away and be alone when there is no one who can look after Alfie for me, it seems foster care in my part of the country doesn’t exist! Perhaps that is why I have the urge to run away from everyone, maybe it’s my head’s way of telling me I need some space and time out, I guess we shall see how things go. In the past when I’ve been on my holidays mum and dad have taken care of Alfie in my home, it’s been relatively easy for them with where I used to live. They would simply pop in several times a day to play with him and give him lots of walks, it’s not so easy to do it with me living further away now.

Again a lot of you suggested I go to hospital and again I agree with you, with how I was feeling the past 72 hours no one knew better than me that I perhaps needed to be in hospital, again it comes down to the fact there is no one to care for Alfie for me - I think you’re getting the idea of how much I really do care for my little boy!

I debated about calling the crisis team, but I am not sure they would be much help to me but since the feelings of being on the depths of despair are passing for now then I don’t think it’s necessary at the moment. I am hoping how I feel now will continue and I won’t hit rock bottom again, I can survive like this, I can communicate with people and I am able to venture out without anyone knowing how I am feeling.

As I mentioned the funeral for my Nanna is on Friday morning, I can’t say I am looking forward to it and am perhaps only going out of a mark of respect. My mother has thrust £50 into my hands today to go and buy something to wear, she’s very good at handing out money to me but perhaps not so good at noticing when I am in desperate need of help - still I shouldn’t complain should I?

I am going to have my hair done tomorrow, something I have been meaning to do for a while and decided it needed to be done to look half decent for Friday. I have to make an effort.

As for the appointment I have with the CPN, it feels like ages off till June but I am determined to make use of that appointment and I feel one way of doing that would be to print off a couple of these blog posts to give them an idea of what has been happening and how quickly my mood changes so often. Maybe getting them to read this will be an ice breaker for me to open up and talk more…

That’s about it for now, thanks again for your support.

Tough Decision

For a number of weeks the one protective factor that I have in my life I have been thinking of giving up, I finally decided I can’t keep him anymore and so I am going to rehome my little Alfie. All weekend the poor thing has suffered because of the most ignorant bastard kids who are using my wall as a goal post. Alfie is terrified, he’s parading around the house with his tail down and barking non stop at the noise and thud thud thud of footballs. On top of this my depression is worse than ever and getting him rehomed frees up my own choices to do something I want to do.

Alfie is the little thing that has kept me alive for so long, he’s the baby who stopped me killing myself two years ago and instead of carrying on swallowing the pills I threw up and cried for days, if he’s gone then I see no reason to carry on - I simply cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I am going mad, for hours I am screaming at the kids to go away and shut the fuck up, yet I know they cannot hear me since there is a friggin brick wall there in the way, maybe screaming makes me feel better, maybe it’s my way of getting out my feelings along with the hundreds of tears I have cried this weekend.

I have two options left when Alfie has gone, I either kill myself ensuring I do it properly or I run away to be alone where no one knows me, where I can get some thinking time to myself. When I make my mind up to do something I will carry it out, I don’t believe in making threats, I’ve simply had enough of living in this misery.

It doesn’t help that on Friday morning some ignorant woman living around here decided to have a go at me, I am not sure where she lives but I think I have an idea who she is, she stopped at my gate. It was gone 9.15am and she proceeded to shout abuse at me about Alfie barking and didn’t I realise people where still in bed! I was still in a bad way after Thursday and the rough night I had that I screamed back at her “do I look like I give a shit what you think”, with that she replied she couldn’t hear me over Alfie barking and walked off.

First off Alfie doesn’t bark non stop outside in the garden because I won’t let him, he only ever barks when someone approaches the property or walks passed. Living on the end next to a ginnel means I get a lot of people walking passed. Strange but I took this all in consideration when I moved him but perhaps didn’t realise the amount of people who used it as a cut through. If the kids are out, I don’t let Alfie out because they have the habit of standing staring at him which makes him a lot worse. If he’s out and he starts barking I bring him in, he’s never outside barking non stop and he’s never left out there for more than five minutes unless he’s quiet. He needs to go somewhere or to someone who can care for him in a quieter place without any kids or distractions. I can’t keep him anymore, it’s not fair for him to live with me whilst I am ill because I am scared I will take my temper out on him and I never want to resort to that. The sooner he is rehomed the better right now.

Ironically if she is the woman I think she is, then she lives next to a woman with a dog who barks non stop often for over 30 minutes at a time.

Strange how dogs have an understanding of knowing when there owners are sick. I’ve not ventured out since Friday and Alfie has not been for a walk all weekend, I don’t want to see people and I don’t feel in a very communicating mood. I just want to be alone. I can’t remember when I last ate anything but I don’t think it was today. Alfie has curled up next to me for quiet time when he’s been allowed to, i.e when the kids are kicking a football at the wall.

Most of Thursday and Friday morning I spent throwing out things, I threw out so much stuff, personal items things I don’t want in my life anymore, some of it went to charity shop some to the tip. To me I am decluttering my life for two reason, one to die or two to run away, I know to most normal non head cases out there this is crazy, but this is me, when I die I need to ensure my parents don’t have too much to sort through, if I run then I can run away lighter not leaving any of my previous life behind. Even I know how fucked up this sounds but what am I suppose to do about it?

I’ve not felt this low in a long time, life just is not worth fighting for anymore. I see no way forward or a future I want to live. I have debated taking pills again this weekend during several outbursts of tears, I’ve stockpiled the pills in the kitchen cupboard for weeks but I have to ensure Alfie is rehomed before I do anything because he is my baby and has to take priority over anything else.

It’s a tough decision but I have to do this, it’s just not fair on Alfie to live in this environment, it’s cruel to let an animal get so stressed out and suffer. I am suffering so he must be also.